I reached my breaking point. I could no longer continue to control or "fix" my health implications (AKA no period/PCOS/HA-whatever the hell I had) with outside sources. What I mean by this is, no more running medical tests, no more controlling food in regards to calories/carbohydrates, no more using exercise as medicine, no more body hating and I really needed to chill the F out and stop stressing over everything! I was doing the same thing OVER and OVER again and expecting different results. Isn't that one of the definitions of insanity? I really was starting to feel insane ! For the past few years, "curing" or "fixing" myself in regards to my health implications took over my life.
Little did I know at the time of my "fixing" phase that I completely 110% screwed up my metabolism. I kept trying to lose weight to have a "better" body and help PCOS, and NOTHING was happening. Mind you I was at a normal/over weight BMI. However, from years of "dieting" and food restriction/over exercising my body was whacked out and very confused. I will go into the science of this in a later post.
So, it was time for a change. It was also time to accept my diagnosis of Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. So that meant no more exercise and controlling food intake or lack of. As I mentioned before, giving up exercise is something I was struggling in my mind to do since I got the diagnosis. Everything I did revolved around it, my husband and most of my closest friends did Crossfit. If you are/were a cross fitter you totally get the closeness of the community within. Not to mention the "high" after doing an intense workout. I also struggled with what was I going to tell all my crossfit friends, would they understand? I did share I had some health stuff going on but thats it. I did not share what was really going on with me as I did not feel comfortable. I will share my story of not disclosing to people about HA in a later post.
After a couple months of fighting in my mind to give up exercise and "go all in", I did it. I cancelled my membership, stopped any extra exercise and really started to get into yoga. I first started yoga when I was a crossfit member but it always took a back seat because I needed to get my "real" work out in, feel good and burn calories of course. Prior to going "all in" I followed intuitive eating, I decided I was going to try my best to intuitively eat. I knew it was time to take care of myself, even though I thought I was before. I started scheduling more self care appointments, such as massages, pedicures, spa dates, going to yoga classes (non intense) and just plain RELAXING. I relaxed by watching mindless TV, taking naps, reading fun books, hanging out with friends I didn't see much due to exercise and spending more time with family. I also scheduled myself a get away at Kirpalu. Lastly, I started working with a shamanic energy medicine/soul coach, she really helped me turn around my ways of looking at things and helped me dig a little deeper to help heal my body. Deleting social media also played a big role for me. I mean who the hell cares what anyone else is doing?! I needed to focus on healing me. All of my close family and friends I didn't need social media to connect to. Not to mention that extreme role it plays in societies screwed up image of "health".
My suggested take away for you on this post is that I want you to know I was ready to make the change to "go all in". A year prior or two years prior I am not so sure I would have been. Though it wasn't easy to make the change and I don't think it will ever be easy for anyone to "go all in", you need to be ready. You also need support and the support that works for you. My husband and my soul coach were my backbone. You will also need "tools" to fill your time that you used to spend exercising. My tools were self care tools above. My self care tools were also very important in decreasing my stress levels. Stress is also something that needs addressing during the "go all in" change. For a while I questioned how I would fill my time if I wasn't exercising, so before you "go all in" consider these things. Ultimately, you HAVE to be ready, only you will know if your ready. My breaking point PLUS the RE telling me I will not be able to get pregnant naturally was finally the kick I needed to get my health in check. What worked for me to "go all in" may or may not work for you.
Stay tuned for more updates on my journey with HA.....
Who Needs a Period? They are a pain in the a** anyway !